Your inner church
Recently I was thinking about how words can be a part of your body. The reason for this was Ulrica Nordberg’s workshop in a yoga studio called Yogaroom, in Kungsbacka, Sweden, in July.
Just a week before that I was in Hungary and attended an hour long yoga class in Hungarian. Now I was sitting in Sweden and tried to deepen my practice in my second language. Ulrica’s deep understanding of the body, anatomy and her great knowledge in how Yin yoga can help to release blockages in the body, and it inspired me to think further.
I have always been interested in how we learn new languages, and my own experience doing this has been a great source of understanding. I am more and more interested in finding an answer to how words become part of your body and which language that most deeply rooted inside you - the place where you can also come in contact with your inner church. The first and most common answer should be - of course - that is your own mother tongue. But if the case is that you have been away from the source of your mother tongue for a long time, and your adult language and professional language is your second or even on your third language? My other question was if you are truly willing to find your inner church if you have a huge trauma in this particular language? Is it the language that leads you deeper inside, or is it something else?
My life’s story is not an easy one, and it took a while before I was even able to find the door to my inner church and I spent even more time to become able to open it. It was like The Sleeping Beauty’s castle after 100 years of sleep. Thorns as far as you can see. I desperately wanted to find my inner self so I started to cut down these layers of barbed wire. What I found behind the door was a mess too. After a while I even questioned if I could possibly find someone or something behind this mess.
Honestly, I was very happy to start to clean up in Swedish. It was easier and more helpful to find some kind of logic behind my story’s without to thinking about the emotional part of it. So I started actually to clean my ego, my words, in a psychologist’s chair for almost a decade. But what I found after years of talking was that I stuck up in a loop. I talked about my stuff over and over again. Don’t misunderstand me, I am grateful for that work, but the emotional part of the cleaning and the magic started when I moved to New York and started my teacher training. Third language, I was pretty good at this at that point, my ego wanted to understand everything and find answerers. Again. But it wasn’t answerers. So my ego was screaming, shouting, sending me to the cave of anxiety and the desert of fear. Both when I did my physical practice and when I meditated. It was finding me and also everybody around me. The energy of prana and pranayama which helped me to tricked my overactive mind. I needed the words, but I needed them just to show the way in. The quietness.
Through my ISHTA teachers’ amazing guiding I found an inner, energetic body, which was for me a whole new way of seeing myself, others and the world. The words become energies which led me to my barriers so I could - with help from my body’s inner intelligence - heal.
So yes, I fought with demons and dragons but finally I am inside my church and can see the walls where I see my story in three different languages. But the Sleeping Beauty in the center of the room can not be woken up with words, because She is not sleeping. She is just waiting to recover. And when you give her back the ability to lead you, you just need to hold her hand and be quiet and trust. Without words. Now the next question is which language my minister need to use….